There is a mountain lion in my fridge
Author: Caitlin Feeley
What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.
Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!
So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.
Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”
As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?
Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.
Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”
Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.
Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.
And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”
Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “f*&k this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”
After reading this I thought I would add my sequel to the mountain lion...
So you've beaten the mountain lion. After spending almost a year running up mountains you are totally knackered. But everyday you have to open the fridge. For a while you expect the lion to be there, but it's not. Eventually you begin opening the fridge with no fear. Some times you even forget that there was ever a lion in there. Some days you even forget about what the bear did to you.
Three months after my mountain lion I still open the fridge with great caution. Of course I'm scared that the lion will return, but everyday you have to open the fridge. You're forced to face your greatest fear everyday. Imagine that? How exhausting to live in a state of perpetual uncertainty and fear. As it's such an intimidating way to live, most people who have been faced with a mountain lion find that they do their very best to make the most of every single day. Many survivors find comfort in providing support and advice to others who are still frantically running up the mountain.
Being a lion fighting and mountain climbing person, can be pretty dismal for those around you. They’ve never found a lion in their fridge. Will they ever be faced with a mountain climb? At the beginning they are curious, they are cheering at the side lines. Before there is a breakthrough in the chase, they give up. It's only those who are closest to you that turn up and offer a helping hand.
Most recently I opened the fridge and whilst there was no lion, there is unavoidable anxiety looming as I approach my next lion check. Lion experts are due to look around in the next few weeks. Fingers crossed there are no lions, or even any footprints traceable in the butter tray.
So, I never wanted to climb the mountain. Not once. Not at all. But I have and I am proud to be standing at the top.
Those who have never found a lion in their fridge won't get it.
But those who have will.
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