To those of you who aren’t aware, in October 2018 I finished 11 cycles of gruelling chemo for stage four Gastroblastoma and in November received the news that every cancer fighter hopes to hear – the start of remission. Remission was reached and I have spent the last eight months celebrating and learning to love and accept this new normal, or as I prefer to think of it as ‘The revolution of Chi.’ I had started to plan and book things for my life after cancer, this included finishing uni, holidaying in Europe, running as an ambassador for the ASB half-marathon and now it's all on hold...
A few weeks ago I thought I'd better contact my GP to finally confront this lingering pain in my leg that had come on after training for the upcoming half-marathon. For cancer muggles - this isn't as straight forward as it sounds. It's terrifying and traumatic as it feels very similar to the initial appointments you once made, however now the "I'm sure it's nothing" voice in your head has lost all credibility. This is incredibly real for anyone who has been through cancer, and a confronting part of everyday life after treatment. Our bodies that once felt strong, healthy and indestructible are now riddled with trauma as we second guess every single ache and pain. After being sent for numerous scans I was told that my MRI had shown a relapse.
noun
noun: relapse; plural noun: relapses 1. a deterioration in someone’s state of health after a temporary improvement.
The reality of the situation is I am devastated, beyond belief. I sat in front of my consultant and my heart sank... I didn't dare look at my parents as I could hear the sniffles and I had to keep my brain working to ensure I could soak in everything he was saying. The cogs in my head are turning as he shows me the results of my recent MRI. This time the cancer is back in my sacrum. Listening intently and holding back a flood of tears I hear the initial plan of action. I had to start a 5-day course of radiation to help alleviate some of the pain. Radiation is now complete and the pain has improved significantly! Luckily I've had no serious side effects which is a welcome change from the daunting chemo hangover. Now we are waiting for another review to decide on the next plan for treatment.
The word relapse has occupied my mind over the last few weeks but relapsing makes it sound like the same thing is happening again, but this couldn't feel more like a whole different ball game. First time round it was decided I'd start chemo to shrink the cancer before having surgery, followed by more chemo. Although it didn't go entirely to plan, I felt like I was finally starting to get better. Slowly but surely I was getting my strength back, I was exercising more, my hair was growing, I was back at uni and looking forward to graduating, I had holidays all lined up and most importantly I was just starting to feel like myself again. It just feels so ironic that as the chemo side effects had worn off and I am starting to feel better, I was actually still sick and the cancer was growing inside me.
All I feel is an overwhelming explosion of emotions inside me, some reasonable and some unexplainable but instead of focusing on the negative I am going to try and do what I do best and that is to find the positive in every day. When I was initially diagnosed I decided I wanted to be involved within the community to raise awareness and give back where I could, and through this, I have been lucky enough to be a part of many exciting opportunities - the half-marathon being one of these. This year I will be running (or walking) as a Charity Hero for The Cancer Society. If you've always wanted to take part in the Auckland Marathon, why not join our team?! Or if you're wanting to support me and donate to an incredible cause, please use the link below https://aucklandmarathon2019.everydayhero.com/nz/chichisquad
So after an unexpected few weeks, here I am now celebrating the fact I beat a cancer I never thought I could, yet I’m grieving over a relapse and completely terrified of the new unknown ahead.
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