Good news! The surgery went well and after an eight day stay in hospital, I am finally home. It was the most difficult time of my life and at the time, I honestly didn't know if I'd make it through, but I did! And although there is a long road ahead of me until I am properly recovered, I am hoping the worst is over. It's taken me a long time to be able to write this post, and although for the first four days this was due to me being physically unable, for the majority of the time since leaving intensive care I have been unsure of exactly what to say.
I needed to consider why I was finding this so difficult; what had changed? And the answer is simple: me. Everyone knows what makes them the person they are, and for me I have always been someone who likes to think of themselves as strong. When challenged, I choose to stare it in the face and although I may be terrified I am one to grit my teeth and get on.
On the 15th of June I underwent a six hour procedure where my surgical team performed a total gastrectomy and partial liver removal. Due to the location of my cancer it was essential to remove my entire stomach to ensure a satisfactory margin was achieved. The spots on my liver were also removed, however this will regenerate in time. The goal after surgery is to work toward setting a "new normal", allowing my body to heal and adjust to the loss of my stomach. It is important to try to consume as many calories as possible to minimise rapid weight loss in the first few months following surgery, and to ensure consumption of nutrients that the body needs to aid in the healing process. My surgical team were very satisfied with how the operation went, which reassured me that I would eventually make a full recovery.
The littlest things are proving to be very difficult. Little things that I took for granted before, like the ability to straighten my back when I am standing. Not being able to do this makes me feel extremely old and tired, and it frustrates me. My body doesn't feel like mine... it feels disconnected somehow. Parts are numb, whilst others are hypersensitive and painful to touch. Every morning I wake up with a burst of energy, feeling stronger than the day before. I get ready for the day, doing daily tasks a little more independently than the day before. I set myself goals each day, pushing myself to become a little more active, trying to prove to myself and those around me that I am improving.
I have come an extremely long way since my surgery, and I am improving every single day. Physically I am gaining more strength and I believe I am recovering remarkably well. My progress is truly astounding me, but no matter how many positive steps forward, there is still a sense of nervousness looming over me. At every moment in this journey I have been able to fight, to tackle every emotion and feeling and seek for the outcomes I wanted to achieve. After this operation I felt almost helpless, lying in intensive care at one stage having counted 11 tubes coming out of my body. Relying on the drugs to keep me comfortable and the well wishes from around the world to fuel my strength.
More than anything, I have found this whole experience has made me question who I am and what makes me me, which for most people is a relatively easy thing to consider. However, not until you feel entirely stripped of everything and you are completely powerless, can you look at what is left and recognise what is there. It worries me that at one point what remained was very little and that I did not feel strong when I needed to most. I do not recognise myself lying on that hospital bed, so dependent on others, to me this is terrifying.
I am very comfortable with the fact that I am allowed to be scared. I do not think I am failing myself or letting myself down. I am accepting that I am afraid of the things I can not control, and I know that it is okay to feel this way. So for the next few weeks I will continue my recovery in the comfort of my own home and enjoy this time relaxing before facing the next step in my journey.
Chi x
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