Today has been a difficult day, today has been scary, today has been draining, but today is not unique, I have had days like these before, the message is the same, "why me?"
I’ve spent numerous hours questioning everything that has happened over the past six months. Beating myself up and asking myself “why me?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
No one deserves to go through such a serious ordeal, but something I have learnt since facing this cancer journey is that it isn’t selective on the people which it affects. This is not at all fair, but that’s life... life is unfair.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer back in February, I was told I had a very rare and aggressive type of cancer, so I did what any sensible human being would upon hearing this news, I ignored it. I didn’t ignore the fact that I was now living with cancer, but I ignored the rare and aggressive details and for the most part, it’s worked for me. I don’t want to focus on the specifics, yes, they are important, but my main concern in the first instance is me. I was going to do whatever I could to fight this, even if the statistics were stacked up against me.
When people talk about cancer they focus on the negatives. They focus on the images depicted in movies of people dying in melodramatic ways. Once I was diagnosed, questions changed from “how are you?” to “how are you feeling?” I don’t want people to pity me, although my experiences so far have been pretty bleak, they are deeply unique. The hurdles I’ve faced and the victories that followed have built my character and made me the person I am today: a stronger, brighter, more grateful person than I could have become through any other life experience.
If I was given the chance at the beginning of my journey to undo everything I went through and be able to live a “normal” life I would have jumped at the opportunity, but at this moment in time, I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, there are times when having cancer does hinder everyday life and I’m constantly faced with new challenges, but all the tears, pain, joy and relief, have given me a new outlook on life. Without these experiences, I may not have learnt that we are all human, beautifully flawed and unique. Sometimes even when we make all the “right” choices, life has other plans. We will never know why cancer chose to invade my life, some people just have bad luck, and it is ultimately out of their control. The reality is, I have bad luck and that’s just life. The crucial lesson cancer teaches you is that the time is never right, you just have to go with it and face each day as it comes. All I can do is continue my fight, as imperfect and sometimes undignified as my battle is proving to be. I hope that my experiences can help others who are faced with similar situations, those who feel as if they’re alone in this cruel world, you are not alone!
Cancer teaches us that strength isn’t just about how hard you can push yourself physically, but how to take the time to listen to your body and respond to its immediate needs. To recognise that pain isn’t simply just a needle penetrating the skin, it is part of your journey.
Cancer teaches us that courage isn’t only about being brave for yourself, but being brave for all those who surround you. Being resilient, even when you feel like your life is falling apart.
Cancer teaches us to fight. Harder than you ever thought possible, because you are going to be the person to do whatever in their power to overcome this. Life is about learning and growing when challenges arise. It's about being brave when there's no one else to fight.
To me, cancer has offered me a rare opportunity to truly be the best version of myself and to fulfil my purpose in life.
Forever fighting,
Chi x
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